I Hate Being A Mom? Is This Normal? What Now? | Mommywise (2022)

I Hate Being A Mom? Is This Normal? What Now? | Mommywise (1)

Yesterday, I spoke with a new mom who’s having a rough time. She’s at home with her 7-month-old, breastfeeding, doing all the childcare and night parenting, and feeling guilt-ridden for not being very happy. Naturally, she loves her son, she’s grateful for the opportunity to be with him, but she feels trapped, lonely, and like every other mom is having more fun. Sometimes it’s so bad she gets into the shower at the end of the day and just cries. She’s crippled by sleep deprivation, her husband works 12 hours a day, and doesn’t get how awful she feels. He gets to go to work, which is by far the easier job.

Sound familiar?

A few years ago, when my kids were 2 and 4, I ran into an old friend who I hadn’t seen in 10 years. He was divorced with no kids and was so genuinely excited to hear all about my family. “Wow, you’re a mom,” he said. “That’s amazing! What’s it like?”

My response was a shock, like a bucket of ice water thrown at my face. “I don’t like it at all,” I said, with far too much honesty.

(Video) I Hate Being a Mom – For Real

His face fell. His jaw dropped. And I instantly knew I had made a terrible mistake. Moms aren’t allowed to feel this way, certainly not allowed to say it out loud.

I began dog-paddling backward. “Of course, I love my kids, and I wouldn’t change a thing, but…Diapers? Mopping up vomit? Bleeding nipples and breast pumps? Being awakened repeatedly through the night and at 5-6 am daily for four consecutive years?”

No, the truth is that I like nothing about the actual job, yet I love my kids more than anything else in the world. So, I do it anyway, even if I hate it sometimes.

If you’ve ever felt this way…read on to learn more about why you feel the way you do – and how to change it.

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How life changes after a baby

Having a baby is one of the biggest changes a person can face. And, in 99.9 percent of cases, it’s the woman’s life that changes the most. If you’re able to be a stay-at-home mom, your life will quickly become all about diapers, spit-up, and crying – and we’re not just talking about the baby’s regular tears.

The situation becomes even more dire if you’re trying to maintain your career. How can a woman reasonably be expected to work eight+ hours a day and raise a happy, healthy child? You’ll spend your lunch break pumping milk, and there will never be a time when you’re not tired. Additionally, you’ll feel guilty about going to work, as if not being there 24/7 for your child will permanently mess them up.

Trying to keep your relationship going will also become extremely difficult. How in the world can you watch a baby all day – or split your time between the baby and work – and still be expected to get excited when your partner gets home? And sex? Forget about it. That’s what got you into this situation in the first place!

(Video) I Hate Motherhood

I hate being a mom…is that normal?

The reality is that it’s quite normal to hate being a mom from time to time. When you decided to have a child, you gave up a huge chunk of your life. Now, it’s the baby’s life that matters most. You’ll eat last, sleep last, and just generally become last on your list of priorities. And that’s only if you’re lucky. In some cases, you’ll also have to deal with a very real mental health problem.

Intrusive thoughts are a major issue for new mothers. These thoughts can include disturbing or violent content. For instance, you might find yourself thinking about what would happen if you walked away from your baby and never went back. You’d never actually do it, of course, but simply having the thought may make you feel like the world’s worst mom. The good news is that not only are you not a bad mom, but pretty much everyone has thoughts like this one from time to time.

Unfortunately, you may also develop a more serious mental illness. Please keep an eye on yourself for the following warning signs:

  • Major changes in sleeping or eating patterns.
  • Extreme mood changes.
  • Excessive anxiety, worry, or paranoia.
  • Withdrawing from social events.
  • Long-lasting irritability or sadness.

If you begin experiencing these symptoms, it’s important to speak to a professional right away. You can also find some great tips in this piece, Stay-at-Home-Mom Depression: Symptoms & How to Cope.

Not sleeping is another biggie for mothers. Everyone needs to sleep at least seven hours a night on a regular basis. When your sleep pattern gets interrupted by a screaming baby, it can mess up much more than just that day. Studies show that most parents – or at least mothers – are sleep deprived for at least the first six years of a child’s life.

Being sleep-deprived can cause you to look ten years older. It also comes with higher blood pressure, a slower metabolism, weight gain, being more likely to catch a cold, having less mental acuity, and depression. Additionally, your odds of developing heart disease increase by 48 percent, you’ll triple your chances of getting type 2 diabetes, and you’ll become 36 percent more likely to experience colorectal cancer. In other words, sleep is critical, and you must figure out a way to get more of it before it’s too late.

Finally, you can also suffer from depletion. According to the dictionary, this means exhausting or seriously decreasing your supply of something. In this case, it refers to your emotional and physical fatigue. This can be a serious issue, so be sure to speak to a professional if you’ve been experiencing:

  • Intense exhaustion and fatigue.
  • Hypervigilance.
  • Lethargy.
  • Memory loss.
  • Anxiety.
  • Difficulty concentrating.
  • Lower sex drive.
  • Poor immune function.
  • Pre-existing medical conditions become worse.

What to do when you don’t like being a parent

Being a parent is hard, and the secret is that no one likes being one all the time. There are going to be plenty of times in your life that you will hate being a parent, and it starts the same time that motherhood begins.

Now that you know this, it’s time to help yourself bounce back. When you have intrusive thoughts, are sleep-deprived, or are suffering from depletion, it’s important to take some time for yourself. You may be thinking, “How am I supposed to do that?” But here’s the thing: if you don’t give yourself some self-care, you’re going to burn out even more quickly. Therefore, turn off your guilty inner voice and carve out some time to take a bubble bath, read a book, or take a nap. Just doing one of these things will help you recover some of your lost energy.

(Video) How Do You Deal with ‘I Hate Being a Mom?’

I Hate Being A Mom? Is This Normal? What Now? | Mommywise (2)

Do you still feel alone? You’re not. Review the almost 300 comments on this post. Just knowing you’re not alone in your experience will most likely make you feel much better. Additionally, you can look through our helpful resources for new families for more information.

If you find yourself struggling as a result of becoming a mother, don’t despair because there is help available. The first thing you must do is reach out to someone. Whether you choose your best friend, a doctor, or a therapist, the act of reaching out will make you feel less alone. And don’t just do it once. Instead, keep reaching out until you get the full support you need.

In some cases, you may find yourself past your limit. That’s when it’s time to pick up the phone to get some emergency help. These calls are confidential and could make the difference between bouncing back and doing something regretful. If you need help right away, call one of the following:

  • SAMHSA’s Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP
  • NAMI Helpline: 1-800-950-NAMI
  • Mental Health America Hotline: Text MHA to 741741
  • The Samaritans: 1-212-673-3000

Ultimately, the only way to start feeling better – and to stop hating motherhood – is to reach out for some help. By talking through your feelings, you can reach a much better state of being. Be sure to use the tips above and remember: it’s okay not to love being a parent every second of the day. But if the feelings become overwhelming, there are resources available to you.

Perhaps if we didn’t expect mothering to be the most joyous time of our lives, we wouldn’t feel so blindsided and guilt-ridden.

The same guilt is exactly what prevents so many parents from getting the help they need to sleep train their baby. Teaching an infant to sleep on their own is no easy task – it can be exhausting, stressful, and messy, just like so many aspects of parenting.

If you can find the confidence to ask for help from sleep training specialists like us who know babies, there’s a world of support waiting to help you get the rest you need to start feeling like yourself again.

The staff at Mommywise is here for you! We understand your baby’s signals and offer in-home guidance to sleep train your baby. Additionally, we set up young parents for success by allowing you to sleep, too! Contact us today to learn how you and your baby can finally get a good night’s sleep.

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(Video) I hate being a Mom

FAQs

Is it normal to hate being a mom?

It is not normal or abnormal to hate being a mom, but it is common. Most importantly, know that you’re not a bad mom if you don’t love it. Most mothers are exhausted and annoyed at motherhood because their children may cry and whine a lot, not listen, and do dangerous things that they’re not aware are anxiety provoking for parents. Motherhood is hard and it’s true that many moms hate being a mother. It’s ok, you’re not alone.

Is it normal to regret being a mom?

Yes, it is normal to regret being a mom. It’s also normal to question if you’ve made a mistake. One does not truly know what motherhood is like until you have a child. It can be very tiresome, stressful, and if you don’t have readily available family support nearby, you lose much of the freedom you once had when you didn’t have children. If this is you, you’re not alone.

Does motherhood get easier?

Yes, motherhood gets easier if you’re healthy and have the resources and support to care for yourself, too. If you’re feeling unusually anxious, angry, floppy, weepy and/or or experiencing chronic insomnia, you may be experiencing a mood disorder such as postpartum depression and/or anxiety. When your child is a baby, it’s rough., You need to feed and give your baby naps every few hours. On top of bottles and formula or pumping and changing diapers every few hours, repeated sleepless nights makes it painfully exhausting*

*If your baby hasn’t yet learned to sleep independently, consider sleep training so that your whole family can get a healthy amount of quality sleep. If you have no idea how to sleep train your baby, hit us up. It’s all we do!

When the baby turns into a toddler, then you have to make sure they do not run into the street or you have to clean up the countless messes they make. Try to get as many people on your support team as possible. Fathers, partners, family members and any other caretakers can be part of your Team. Those years are tough but it does get easier once they turn into a young child (around 5-10 years old). They become more independent and they don’t need you as much. Once they get into their teenage years, they become even more independent but those years have their ups and downs. No matter what, motherhood is a journey. It gets easier but there are always times when it seems unreasonably difficult. One step at a time. With grace and love, You got this.

Why do I hate being a mom so much?

A mother may hate being a mom for many other reasons than her actual kids. After all, parenting is the hard part – it’s all the work on top of childcare and lack of family support that makes parenthood the hardest. You once had freedom and once you had a child, your world turned around with less time and a new job at hand. There is also a ton of pressure on mothers “to be a perfect mom”, “to breastfeed”, “to be empathetic”, “to be family-oriented”, “to prioritize children’s needs, partners’ needs and responsibilities at home”, “to love motherhood”, “to be nice” and the list goes on. There are plenty of reasons why you may hate being a mom, but remember that you’re not a bad person if you feel that way, and you’re not alone!

We live in a culture that doesn’t support, value or compensate mothers for their work. Using the Pregnancy Risk Assessment Monitoring System (PRAMS), CDC research shows that about 1 in 8 women in the U.S. experience postpartum depression”. However, it’s estimated that it’s actually closer to 1 in 4 since so many mothers don’t seek mental health care or treatment. Clearly, there’s a real problem if 25% of mothers are clinically depressed after having a child!

How do I get help as a mother?

You can get help as a mother. If you have helpful friends or family, ask them for help with whatever you need. If you feel like you’re unusually tired, anxious, angry, and or have a family history of depression, see your doctor. If you have the resources to pay for household help, hire help. If you don’t, there are resources available to you through non-profit organizations that can support you whether it’s emotional support, financial support, medical care or babysitting cost reduction services. Check with your state for nonprofit organizations that can help you as a mother.

(Video) What I HATE about Motherhood Part 2 | Honest Mom Talk

What happens when you hate being a mom?

Don’t be afraid to speak to friends or family members about your feelings … you may be surprised to find comfort from a friend who is experiencing those same feelings. You can also contact a hotline if you need someone to talk to…

  • SAMHSA’s Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP
  • NAMI Helpline: 1-800-950-NAMI
  • Mental Health America Hotline: Text MHA to 741741
  • The Samaritans: 1-212-673-3000

FAQs

Is it normal to not enjoy being a mom? ›

Yes, it's normal to be annoyed by parenting—and by your kids—sometimes. But some people are more likely than others to find themselves struggling to find joy in parenting—for starters, anyone who is prone to depression and anxiety, says Pearlman.

Is it normal to regret motherhood? ›

Regret is a common emotion experienced by parents. If you find yourself experiencing regret, it doesn't make you a bad parent, and rest assured that you are not alone. It is important to acknowledge the regret and take steps to cope.

What is depleted mother syndrome? ›

We're depleted Over time, mothers become physically, emotionally and mentally drained of nutrients, strength and vitality. Psychologist Rick Hanson coined the phrase “depleted mother syndrome” and emphasizes how important it is to regain the strength we need to be there for ourselves and to manage our care-giving role.

What is the most exhausting age to parent? ›

Parents still in their early 20s appear to have the hardest time because they are struggling with their own move from adolescence to adulthood while at the same time learning to be parents.

What do you do when you can't cope with your kids anymore? ›

Do not feel you have to cope alone. If you're struggling with your child's behaviour: talk to your health visitor – they will be happy to support you and suggest some new strategies to try. visit the Family Lives website for parenting advice and support, or phone their free parents' helpline on 0808 800 2222.

Is it normal to not like your child? ›

While it's perfectly normal to find your child annoying occasionally, or dislike aspects of him or her, not liking them long term can usually be traced back to a reason, or sometimes several. There might have been a rupture in the bonding process.

What causes mom rage? ›

There are a variety of societal factors that contribute to mom rage, including unpaid emotional labor, financial strain, body image, stressors related to becoming or being a mom, and so much more. Mom rage can stem from symptoms of both postpartum and perimenopause.

Are people happier without kids? ›

A study from Princeton University and Stony Brook University found that parents and nonparents have similar levels of life satisfaction, but parents experienced both more daily joy and more daily stress than nonparents. “Life without children is simply much more stable,” Glass says.

What percentage of parents regret having kids? ›

First, we asked respondents how often they think parents regret having children. A little over one-quarter (28%) of U.S. adults say they think parents very often or somewhat often regret having children, while 53% say they think parents regret their decision not very often or not often at all.

Do people ever regret having kids? ›

Surveys conducted over the last few years on representative samples in the US and Germany suggest that the percentage of parents who regret having children is approximately 17–8%.

Are stay at home moms happier? ›

WASHINGTON—Mothers with jobs tend to be healthier and happier than moms who stay at home during their children's infancy and pre-school years, according to a new study published by the American Psychological Association.

What does mom burnout feel like? ›

Symptoms of Mommy Burnout

Extreme mental fatigue or physical exhaustion. Being “short tempered” Feeling emotionally depleted. Feeling disconnected or isolated from others, including one's children.

What is the most difficult age of a child? ›

Forget the terrible twos and prepare for the hateful eights ‒ parents have named age 8 as the most difficult age to parent, according to new research. Eight being the troublesome year likely comes as a surprise to many parents, especially since parents polled found age 6 to be easier than they expected.

What is the easiest age to raise a child? ›

They become quite independent as they reach 5-6 years of age, even wanting to help you with some of the chores! This is probably why most parents look at age 6 as the magical age when parenting gets easier.

Is an only child a lonely child? ›

Many siblings tell stories of older brothers or sisters picking on them and making their life challenging. MYTH: Only children are lonely. FACT: Only children can have as many friends as their peers with siblings do.

What are red flags in child development? ›

Can't support head (by 3 months) Doesn't babble or try to imitate sounds (by 4 months) Doesn't bring objects to mouth (by 4 months) Doesn't push down with legs when feet are on firm surface (by 4 months)

How do I deal with not seeing my child everyday? ›

How to Deal With Not Seeing Your Kids Every Day After The Divorce is Over
  1. You should remember that no emotional state is permanent. ...
  2. Learn ways of managing emotional stress. ...
  3. Do not be afraid to seek help. ...
  4. Leave your home from time to time. ...
  5. Read a lot. ...
  6. Spend more time with families and friends. ...
  7. Follow your passion.
15 Sept 2017

Can you give back adopted child? ›

If your parental rights have been terminated by a court of law and/or your children have been legally adopted, in most states there is no provision for reinstating parental rights or reversing an adoption decree except under certain circumstances such as fraud, duress, coercion, etc.

Why can I not bond with my child? ›

According to Navit, there are many reasons why a mother may not be able to emotionally connect with their child from the off, ranging from postnatal depression to having a traumatic birth or pregnancy or even certain types of medication.

Why do I feel disconnected from my child? ›

Sometimes, emotional detachment may result from traumatic events, such as childhood abuse or neglect. Children who live through abuse or neglect may develop emotional detachment as a means of survival. Children require a lot of emotional connection from their parents or caregivers.

What is a toxic child? ›

Toxic children are the product of an unsatisfactory upbringing. They are pampered and spoiled. They have no limits, the parents give in to blackmail and allow them to wield power that they are neither old enough nor mature enough to handle. Parents have the power and children try to take it and win their independence.

How can I enjoy life with my kids? ›

25 Ways to Simplify Your Life with Kids
  1. Self-sufficiency. This one tip could simplify your life greatly, over time. ...
  2. One calendar. ...
  3. Toy bins. ...
  4. Regular cleanups. ...
  5. Quiet bedtime routines. ...
  6. Prep the night before. ...
  7. Don't schedule too much. ...
  8. Have dedicated family times.

How can I love myself as a mom? ›

10 Ways for Mom to Love Herself
  1. Start the day with a smile. Don't you love it when your kids light up when they see your face? ...
  2. Be grateful. ...
  3. Say “no” when you need to. ...
  4. Treat your body with care. ...
  5. Take time to move. ...
  6. Sleep enough. ...
  7. Use positive self-talk. ...
  8. Take time to understand your feelings and talk about them.

How can I relax and enjoy parenting? ›

Here, our pediatric experts share some tips on managing stress for parents:
  1. Try not to bring stress home. ...
  2. Seek opportunities for fun. ...
  3. Remember to relax and recharge. ...
  4. Ask for backup when you need it. ...
  5. Connect with fellow parents. ...
  6. Take a break from it all. ...
  7. Keep your life well-balanced.
10 Feb 2021

What is the most psychologically damaging thing you can say to a child? ›

Never belittle their suffering

Other users pointed out phrases that are more obviously damaging to a child . Ellen Perkins wrote: "Without doubt, the number one most psychologically damaging thing you can say to a child is 'I don't love you' or 'you were a mistake'.

How an angry mother affects a child? ›

Children react to angry, stressed parents by not being able to concentrate, finding it hard to play with other children, becoming quiet and fearful or rude and aggressive, or developing sleeping problems. You should never physically hurt or punish your child, no matter what they have done or how angry you are.

How do I stop getting angry at my kids? ›

Below are several techniques to control your anger and stay calm when dealing with your child.
  1. Make a Commitment To Stay in Control. ...
  2. Expect Your Child To Push Your Buttons. ...
  3. Know What You Are and Are NOT Responsible For as a Parent. ...
  4. Don't Worry About the Future. ...
  5. Prepare for Your Anxiety. ...
  6. Use Positive Self-Talk.

Why do I hate being a mom sometimes? ›

The real reason why you hate being a mom is because you are most likely overwhelmed with all the to do lists and activities you have to do or go to. You feel burnout by the end of the day because you are not prioritizing yourself enough. You want to be in control of your life, not stress and just feel happier.

What causes mom rage? ›

There are a variety of societal factors that contribute to mom rage, including unpaid emotional labor, financial strain, body image, stressors related to becoming or being a mom, and so much more. Mom rage can stem from symptoms of both postpartum and perimenopause.

Why is being a mom so hard? ›

Being a mom requires so much time, energy, sacrifice, commitment and patience that yield little outside reward. The everyday routine, responsibility, and emotional weight can sometimes suck the life out of you. There are moments of pure joy and bliss where everything feels right.

Is it normal to not like your child sometimes? ›

While it's perfectly normal to find your child annoying occasionally, or dislike aspects of him or her, not liking them long term can usually be traced back to a reason, or sometimes several. There might have been a rupture in the bonding process.

How do I stop resenting my child? ›

Here's how to move toward less drama and more love.
  1. Take responsibility for your own feelings. ...
  2. Remember that taking responsibility for your feelings doesn't mean blaming yourself. ...
  3. Reframe your child's behavior. ...
  4. Look for win/win solutions. ...
  5. Model calm. ...
  6. Keep connecting.

Why is being a mom so lonely? ›

Motherhood loneliness and isolation can occur for many reasons: There may be limited adult interaction, especially for stay-at-home moms. Getting out of the house with a baby can be difficult due to exhaustion and slow recovery time after childbirth. The adjustment to motherhood can be overwhelming.

What is the most psychologically damaging thing you can say to a child? ›

Never belittle their suffering

Other users pointed out phrases that are more obviously damaging to a child . Ellen Perkins wrote: "Without doubt, the number one most psychologically damaging thing you can say to a child is 'I don't love you' or 'you were a mistake'.

How an angry mother affects a child? ›

Children react to angry, stressed parents by not being able to concentrate, finding it hard to play with other children, becoming quiet and fearful or rude and aggressive, or developing sleeping problems. You should never physically hurt or punish your child, no matter what they have done or how angry you are.

How do I stop getting angry at my kids? ›

Below are several techniques to control your anger and stay calm when dealing with your child.
  1. Make a Commitment To Stay in Control. ...
  2. Expect Your Child To Push Your Buttons. ...
  3. Know What You Are and Are NOT Responsible For as a Parent. ...
  4. Don't Worry About the Future. ...
  5. Prepare for Your Anxiety. ...
  6. Use Positive Self-Talk.

What age do toddlers get easier? ›

Things started getting significantly easier when the youngest turned 3yo, and even more when he turned 5yo. It depends on the parent and the child. I found years 0-5 the worst. The teen years have been a breeze.

How can I enjoy life with my kids? ›

25 Ways to Simplify Your Life with Kids
  1. Self-sufficiency. This one tip could simplify your life greatly, over time. ...
  2. One calendar. ...
  3. Toy bins. ...
  4. Regular cleanups. ...
  5. Quiet bedtime routines. ...
  6. Prep the night before. ...
  7. Don't schedule too much. ...
  8. Have dedicated family times.

How can I love myself as a mom? ›

10 Ways for Mom to Love Herself
  1. Start the day with a smile. Don't you love it when your kids light up when they see your face? ...
  2. Be grateful. ...
  3. Say “no” when you need to. ...
  4. Treat your body with care. ...
  5. Take time to move. ...
  6. Sleep enough. ...
  7. Use positive self-talk. ...
  8. Take time to understand your feelings and talk about them.

How long does it take to adjust to being a mom? ›

Becoming a parent is a big life change, so it's a given that it'll take some time to get used to. According to a study led by the baby brand Munchkin, on average it takes most new moms four months and 23 days to adjust to motherhood, a new baby and a new lifestyle.

What is the hardest part of motherhood? ›

11 Of The Hardest Things About Being a New Mom
  1. 1 – It's All Unknown Territory. ...
  2. 2 – The Absolute Exhaustion. ...
  3. 3 – Other Peoples Expectations. ...
  4. 4 – Your Own Expectations. ...
  5. 5 – There's A Manual, But It's Not For Your Model. ...
  6. 6 – Your Body Just Feels Strange. ...
  7. 7 – You Feel Like You're Doing Everything Wrong.
31 Oct 2018

What do moms struggle with the most? ›

13 Struggles Every Mother Just Keeps to Herself
  • She did her best to provide support and keep you motivated. ...
  • She worked hard to keep you clean and presentable. ...
  • She'd set aside her problems and obligations to hear about your trivial issues. ...
  • She patiently weathered your tantrums and tried to make you see the right path.

Videos

1. Why Moms Are Miserable | Sheryl Ziegler | TEDxWilmingtonWomen
(TEDx Talks)
2. I don't like being a mom
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3. I hate being a mom
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4. WHAT TO DO when being a mom is hard AF!
(Hey Shayla)
5. What I HATE about Motherhood | Honest Mom Chit Chat
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6. HELP! I HATE MY CHILD (What to do if you dislike your child)
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