Why Cave Story is the worst videogame ever (2022)

Cave Story made its long-awaited WiiWare debut this past week, and people were ecstatic. Many gamers adore this retro throwback, holding it high as proof that indie products can be just as well crafted as any retail experience. Some would go so far as to say that Cave Story is the greatest videogame ever made. These people, unfortunately, are wrong.

As a gamer, I deal only in polar extremes, so I am here to tell you that Cave Story is actually the worst videogame ever made. Sure, you may think it’s good, and might even be wondering how on Earth a rational human being could ever concoct a contradictory conclusion, but don’t worry. Once you read my irrefutable tome of pure evidence, you’ll understand.

Read on to find out why Cave Story is the absolute worst.

The graphics & music are shit:

The graphics for Cave Story are shockingly dreadful, and you can only disagree with me if your name is Stevie Wonder. Anybody with proper eyes can see it for themselves. Cave Story looks like a four-year-old’s drawing of a burning building full of insects, which the family dog vomited on five minutes after it was stuck to therefrigerator. The trouble is that it’s not in HD, and as someone who has played God of War III (which is obviously better than anything else because it’s on the PS3), my eyes cannot adjust to this hideous, retina-scarring garbage.

If the graphics are bad, the music is a crime against decency. A screeching cacophony of incomprehensible noise, when I first booted up Cave Story I seriously thought a wounded cat was being fingered by Fran Drescher in the backyard. There is an option to change the music to an “original” soundtrack on the Wii, but did I use it? Did I bollocks! If the improved soundtrack is that bad, I have no choice but to believe an older version of the same dreadful noise could only be worse. That is how music works.

The story is awful:

(Video) Why Cave Story 3D Sucks

It doesn’t tell me who I am, it doesn’t tell me who anybody else is, the characters are all stupid and the main dude doesn’t speak. It’s been argued that the story is fantastic because you “collect” it like an item while you play. Ugh, seriously? If I wanted to collect my stories, I’d ask for the newspaper to be delivered page by page on an hourly basis.

No, I want all the story, including the ending, explained to me in the first five minutes of any game, so I don’t have to worry about it later. Only a twat would want to story drip-fed to them like it were a gigantic hamster in a cage made out of crap narrative.

It’s too hard:

The game’s difficulty is bullshit. I actually feel challenged when I play it, and that completely sucks. I want a game that makes me feel like I am winning, like when I play Modern Warfare 2 all the time with my six-year-old kid and kick his stupid noob fuckin’ ASS. Stupid prick doesn’t even know how to use the knife! I don’t play videogames to feel like I suck. I play them to rape them. If I’m not pounding a videogame into submission and making it my prison bitch, then I am not having fun, and I don’t see how anybody else could be having fun, either.

I can’t wavedash like I can in Super Smash Bros. Melee, which I play only at tournament level (it’s the only way to play it). I can’t IV train Cave Story‘s main character like I did with my team of six Level 100 Lucarios which I use to humiliate the kids at Middle ParkElementaryuntil the cops move me along. I can’t even use the missile launcher to rocket-jump. How the Hell is anybody but a grade-Z retard supposed to enjoy a game like this? It’s way, way too hard, and doesn’t give you an option to ruin the game with statistics, spreadsheets and L-canceling. TURBOFAIL.

There’s no multiplayer:

An obvious point, this. Cave Story lacks multiplayer, which is what all videogames need in order to be good. The first BioShock? Absolute dreck. BioShock 2? Brilliant because of multiplayer. A game without an online component lacks longevity because I will play it once and never play it again. Seriously, what loser replays the same videogame? I could be having sexual intercourse with women or smoking a “baked” with my homeboys because I am totally into cool drugs in the time it takes to replay Cave Story.

(Video) Playing The Worst Games - Cave Story 3D

There’s simply no satisfaction to be had from a single-player game. Who, exactly, am I beating? The game? The game isn’t a real person. I can’t scream “OWNED FAGGOT” into a headset when I play Cave Story. The closest I could get was phoning up my grandmother and shouting racist abuse at her while the game’s credits played. She didn’t understand what I was doing and now I’m not allowed to visit her anymore. The nurses said I’m a “menace,” whatever that means!

It’s for furries:

Cave Story is about half-naked anthropomorphic rabbits that have sex with each other, probably. The whole game is a furry’s wet dream, and so only someone who gets off on the idea of being raped by a big-titted dog with a six-foot cock could enjoy this creepy, fetishistic disaster. It’s perverted, it’s disgusting, it’s patently immoral and I won’t be having any of it.

I mean, yes … yes I have masturbated over Krystal from Star Fox but that’s a no-brainer, everybody’s done that. Yes, I have a photograph of Rouge the Bat taped to the inside of my wallet, and I hold my hands up to sticking a drawing of Bulbasaur down my pants but I’VE NEVER WANTED TO FUCK A RABBIT, ALRIGHT!? Foxes, bats and Bulbasaurs, fine. Rabbits? No.

It’s not on PS3:

As a proud PS3 owner, I want everything to be on Blu-ray. If there’s not a PS3 version, then clearly the game sucks huge amounts of testicular sweat. Cave Story is biased against the PS3 because it released on WiiWare and not on the PSN, therefore it’s shit.

Of course, if Cave Story ever turns up on the PS3, then I may be forced to magically alter my opinion and declare that the game is actually really good. I’ll also shout “IN YOUR FACE XBOTS” and show off that I get to play something I once said was a load of garbage. Some would call that hypocrisy, but I would say that whoever says that is a fucking clitoris. Thus I am the winner.

(Video) CAVE STORY STORY! (The worst April Fools Joke Ever)

Wii development ruined the PC version:

Cave Story was developed as a multiplatform game after it had been confirmed as a PC exclusive for so long. This obviously wrecked the quality of the game, because Pixel gimped the PC version to make it fit onto the Wii’s hard drive. Anybody who knows even a slight bit about development knows that the Wii is rubbish and that games are always developed to work on the weakest system.

Even though Cave Story pushes the technical limitations of the Wii, it’s obvious that the PC version could have handled so much more. Instead, the graphics took a significant hit, and Pixel had to cut a load of content. Where was the open world? Where were the airships? All gone, thanks to the Wii. The game ended up as a linear experience with a crap combat system, all because the developers concentrated on making two versions, instead of a perfect version that would have easily been one hundred times better on the platform it was meant to be on.

I bought a PC for Cave Story, only for Pixel to turn traitor at E3 2008 and announce it as a multiplatform game. Fuck you Pixel, you are biased traitors!

Cave Story is not Sonic the Hedgehog:

Cave Story isn’t exactly what I expected it to be; therefore, it’s crap. When I saw that it was a side-scrolling game, I thought it would be just like Sonic the Hedgehog, as any sensible person would. I mean, it’s a platform game. That’s what Sonic is as well. Stands to reason they’d be indentical and awesome, right? WRONG.

You don’t turn into a ball, you don’t fight Dr. Robotnik, and you’re not even blue. Is this a joke? Is this some sort of joke that gamers just won’t get and will rage over because they don’t understand irony? All I know is that I don’t understand why you’d make a side-scrolling platformer and not put Sonic in it.

(Video) Cave Story Story

Also, the Cave Story guy moves way too slow.

What a shitty game.

[About Jim Sterling: Jim Sterling is Destructoid’s reviews editor and writes a wide variety of articles, including editorials such as this. He does not consider himself a journalist. His work can be humorous or serious but its up to you to decide which articles are which. The opinions expressed — be they satirical or sincere — are entirely his own and don’t reflect the opinions of Destructoid’s staff as a whole. He might annoy you sometimes, but his aim is never genuine offense. Try and take him for what he is — one guy having fun on the Internet and talking about videogames.]

FAQs

Why is Cave Story so good? ›

It received widespread critical acclaim for many polished aspects of its design, such as its compelling characters, setting, story, and gameplay. Cave Story is considered by many as the quintessential indie game because of its one-person development team and influence on the video gaming world.

How do you get the good ending in Cave Story? ›

Talk to Ma Pignon, defeat it and feed it to Curly in the Plantation to get the Iron Bond. After defeating the Undead Core, use the trap door in the prefab building to enter the Blood Stained Sanctuary. Finish this area for the “Best Ending.” And voila!

How long does it take to complete Cave Story? ›

When focusing on the main objectives, Cave Story is about 7½ Hours in length. If you're a gamer that strives to see all aspects of the game, you are likely to spend around 14½ Hours to obtain 100% completion.

What is the difference between Cave Story and Cave Story+? ›

Cave Story 3D is a retail game that is sold in physical cartridges; the rest are available via digital download. Cave Story+ on Nintendo Switch is available via both physical and digital copies.

Is Cave Story hard? ›

Even on it's normal difficulty, Cave Story+ manages to be a challenging experience. While being more forgiving than many other titles at platforming, it's still very possible to die right off the bat, running into some spikes and instantly dying. N00bs beware!

How many bits is Cave Story? ›

Cave Story+ on Steam. Nicalis, Inc. Run, jump, shoot, fly and explore your way through a massive action-adventure reminiscent of classic 8- and 16-bit games.

Can you save Curly? ›

When you destroy the fish boss during the waterway fleeing segment, Curly will automatically be dragged away from you. If you manage to do all this, Curly survives, and you can find her in the lower right area of the plantation, though she'll have lost her memory.

How do you fly in Cave Story? ›

When equipped, if Quote presses the jump button while in midair, he will boost in the direction that the player inputs. By default, it flies upwards.

What happens if you leave Curly in the cabin? ›

Taking Curly into this cabin will allow Quote to drain the water from her body and bring her back to life. You will be asked if you want to leave her there. Answer "no". Quote will have to navigate more flooded areas, as well as a boss fight with Ironhead.

How do you beat the sisters in Cave Story? ›

Attack patterns

Once they have cycled around Quote several times, they pause and switch to moving counterclockwise, but continue to open their mouths. When the Sisters have sustained a certain amount of damage, they will keep their mouths open the entire time and release a constant stream of fireballs until defeated.

Is Cave Story still free? ›

Cave Story+ – based on an updated version released on Steam – was converted to the Switch in 2017. Despite all of the various retail versions available, the original computer version of Cave Story has remained a freeware product and can be freely distributed online, and a mod community has grown up around the game.

Is Cave Story a roguelike? ›

PC Gamer - Indie darling Cave Story is now a roguelike - Steam News.

How do you fight ballos? ›

In order to damage Ballos during this second form, the player must get Quote to shoot him through his eyeballs. Every other part of Ballos' body is invulnerable to attack.

What does hard mode do in Cave Story? ›

Hard Mode is a difficulty mode available in all of the Nicalis ports of Cave Story. In it, Quote must go through the entire game without getting a single Life Capsule to increase his HP (except for the one given to Quote by a dog in the Plantation). The Missile Launcher is also removed.

What is Balrog from Cave Story? ›

Balrog (バルログ Barurogu) is an assistant to the Doctor whose job is to destroy soldiers. Cursed by the Demon Crown, he works with Misery to accomplish the Crown Holder's goals. When entering a location, he often calls out "Huzzah!" or "Oh Yeaaah!" to signal his arrival.

How old is curly brace? ›

10 popular curly-brace languages

The use of curly braces in programming languages dates back to 1966 with the Basic Combined Programming Language (BCPL).

Who is quote Cave Story? ›

Quote (クォート kuōto), also known as Mr. Traveler in most NICALiS ports, is the main protagonist of Cave Story and the character the player can control.

What does Cave Story Plus add? ›

It features remastered graphics and music as well as several new game modes, one of which being exclusive to the Nintendo Switch version.

Is Cave Story Plus good? ›

More than ten years after its first release, Cave Story+ still holds its ground as the apex of its genre. There is hardly anything left to be improved upon regarding its gameplay, visuals, or soundtrack – and this plus version is truly the definitive release of the game.

Who created Cave Story? ›

Cave Story

Does Cave Story have multiplayer? ›

Play through the entire story with a friend locally.

How many weapons are in Cave Story? ›

There are 10 unique weapons available in Cave Story+. Find them all with the following locations. Some weapons can be upgraded / enhanced as you progress — increased ammo, more damage, etc. The starting weapon of Cave Story+ is found in the Hermit Gunsmith's Abode in the First Cave.

How do you fight Ma Pignon? ›

Combat. Unless attached to the wall, Ma Pignon can be damaged at any point in the battle, though its front becomes armored while charging forward. The missiles and blade do no damage, but any other weapon may be used. Ma Pignon causes 1 damage during its hopping phase, and 10 damage during the charge attack.

How do I keep curly alive in Cave Story? ›

If Quote manages to get Curly Brace to the cabin using the Tow Rope, he can save her life. To do this successfully, the player must rest Quote to place Curly on the bed.

How do you get the spur in Cave Story? ›

The Spur (シュプール Shupūru) is the finished version of the Polar Star. It deals one of the highest amounts of damage with a single shot in Cave Story. The weapon can only be obtained by giving the Polar Star to Tetsuzou Kamadani when Quote returns to Mimiga Village from the Waterway.

Where is Jenka Cave Story? ›

Jenka (ジェンカ Jenka) is an elderly witch who resides in the Sand Zone. In Cave Story, she sends the player on a mission to find and bring back her five puppies.

How do you open the chest in the clock room in Cave Story? ›

Clock Room

Its presence is noted by an analog clock sign protruding out of the wall. If Quote goes to the left of the sign, he should eventually come across a small gap in the wall with a fence marking. The player can then interact with this hole to go inside.

How do you wear curly hair on a plane? ›

Curly Hair Travel Tips You NEED To Know! | BiancaReneeToday

Should you keep the Polar Star? ›

short answer no, u can trade it in for stronger weapons later. but honestly the machine gun is a really fun weapon that lets u fly pretty much. Your weapons have no effect on which ending you get.

How do you get the snake in Cave Story? ›

The Snake (スネーク Sunēku) is an upgraded weapon obtained by handing over the Polar Star and Fireball to Chaba in the Labyrinth Shop.

How do you get the spur in Cave Story? ›

The Spur (シュプール Shupūru) is the finished version of the Polar Star. It deals one of the highest amounts of damage with a single shot in Cave Story. The weapon can only be obtained by giving the Polar Star to Tetsuzou Kamadani when Quote returns to Mimiga Village from the Waterway.

What is Balrog from Cave Story? ›

Balrog (バルログ Barurogu) is an assistant to the Doctor whose job is to destroy soldiers. Cursed by the Demon Crown, he works with Misery to accomplish the Crown Holder's goals. When entering a location, he often calls out "Huzzah!" or "Oh Yeaaah!" to signal his arrival.

Is Polar Star Childe's weapon? ›

Funnily enough, while Polar Star is Childe's signature weapon, it is actually not quite his BiS weapon! That honor would go towards Thundering Pulse, albeit it is very close and the two are considered somewhat interchangeable for him.

Is Polar Star the best bow? ›

Polar Star works well on most main/sub DPS builds for Bow users, like Fischl and Aloy. Even Ganyu and Venti can make use of the high base stats and can reasonably trigger all stacks of Ashen Nighstar. Polar Star won't be the best five-star Bow on them, but will still be extremely powerful for most players.

Can you get the Polar Star back? ›

Depending on the NPCs spoken to, the player can have Quote trade the Polar Star for another weapon. Trading it replaces the Polar Star's icon with the given weapon of choice. It cannot be traded back once the player has saved after the trading has occurred.

What is the best gun in Cave Story? ›

Spur. The Spur is the most powerful weapon in the game, and is acquired by giving the Polar Star back to the hermit gunsmith in the First Cave, after acquiring the Booster.

Is Naga cave a snake? ›

The Naga Cave is a new attraction, discovered only this year near Wat Tham Chai Mongkol. It features rock formations that resemble a mythological giant snake known as Naga. According to officials at Phu Langkha National Park, the "snake scales" are about 100,000 years old and are actually sun-cracked rock.

What is Naka snake? ›

Naka means 'snake' in the Thai language, and the cave took its name from the texture of some stones in the area, which resembles the scaled skin of a snake. In recent months, videos and images have appeared which were taken from the surrounding area.

How many weapons are in Cave Story? ›

There are 10 unique weapons available in Cave Story+. Find them all with the following locations. Some weapons can be upgraded / enhanced as you progress — increased ammo, more damage, etc. The starting weapon of Cave Story+ is found in the Hermit Gunsmith's Abode in the First Cave.

Where is the nemesis in Cave Story? ›

To obtain the Nemesis, Quote must speak to The Littles in the Little House. They'll request from him to find their lost husband, which can be found on the Cemetery. Upon returning the husband, the Blade can be traded for the Nemesis.

How do you fight ballos? ›

In order to damage Ballos during this second form, the player must get Quote to shoot him through his eyeballs. Every other part of Ballos' body is invulnerable to attack.

How old is curly brace? ›

10 popular curly-brace languages

The use of curly braces in programming languages dates back to 1966 with the Basic Combined Programming Language (BCPL).

Who is quote Cave Story? ›

Quote (クォート kuōto), also known as Mr. Traveler in most NICALiS ports, is the main protagonist of Cave Story and the character the player can control.

Videos

1. Is this the Worst Ending of Cave Story Gameplay
(Michael Underhill)
2. The worst Cave Story video you'"ll ever see on this platform.
(Mate4)
3. All endings - Cave Story
(Big Brawler)
4. Cave Story + - The Worst Piece Of Media - Part 9 - DoTheGames
(JimAndNathanDoTheGames)
5. Death Story, the worst Cave Story mod ever made.
(DeadSpecimen)
6. The Worst Cave Story Port (Remake?) - Cave Story 3D
(A(2)r)

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